Job Candidate Confessions – Journal Entries Vol. 2 – Drug Testing
Note: Job Candidate Confessions Vol. 2 is an entertaining set of journal entries about a fictional job candidate contractor, Scott, trying to hide illegal drug use. Scott will need a good excuse at the end of this post. If you have a good excuse for Scott, comment it.
1:00 PM – Received a notice to go do the drug test immediately from my contract employer. This remote work deal has been great but I guess they are cracking down since the project deadline slipped for the 2nd time. They said if I pass the drug test I can move to a permanent position.
I may have a problem with the drug test though. I sort of stole my grandmother’s Vicodin from the back of her medicine cabinet. Gram didn’t need it; she switched to something else a few months ago. And I had a medical need for it yesterday. I had a wicked headache after a concert – they were passing around schwag. Come to think of it – if schwag counts for pot that makes two reasons I need to figure a way out of this in a HURRY.
1:15PM – Good news. I found this whole website on how to beat the drug test. One way is to just delay the test 72 hours. Since it’s Thursday I just need to get out of the test until Monday.
I have thought of an iron clad excuse to get me through today.
I’ll blame the Spam Folder! Let the waiting game begin.
3:30PM – Work called but figured I better screen the call. Yup, they wanted to make sure I got the notice. Since I have to respond within 15 minutes to keep from getting written up, I waited 10 minutes. The Spam Folder excuse worked like a charm. They told me to go right away so I did.
3:55 PM – I arrived in the parking lot of the drug test facility. The door said they stop taking collections at 4:00PM.
4:00 PM – I sat in my car and listened to my IPod. Damn the luck, the lab closed before I finished listening to a Bob Dylan’s “Highway 61 Revisited!” song. This drug test is going down…, down, down, down. [Evil laugh LOL]
4:10 PM – I called Sally to give her the really bad news. The traffic was so bad I arrived just before 4:00 but those lazy bastards locked the door before 4:00 pm. I told her I banged on the door but their clock was off by 5 minutes and they said their computer system goes by the clock they have in the office. I thought telling her about how I begged to test was a nice touch.
One day down, One to GO.
2:55 AM – Can’t sleep.
I need to brainstorm for a really GOOD EXCUSE . Here it goes…
- I could wake up with a sore throat. I think I might be getting mono.
- Just got the news my sister’s kid (I babysat) has chicken pox and noticed a suspicious bubble on my skin. I thought I couldn’t get it twice but I couldn’t live with myself if I gave others the chicken pox just because of a drug test (I like this one)
-Car won’t start (this isn’t a good one because I suppose I could take a taxi or something.)
-My dog Fluffy got sick and have to take her to the vet. Unfortunately she is going to take a turn for the worse in the afternoon long enough to keep me from taking the drug test. No, I don’t have a dog but I really won’t have one after today.
-Maybe I could modify the registration number on the paper and they will never find the sample or connect it to me (that may work as a last resort)
- What if I say the lab doesn’t take the registration document due to some computer glitch. They’ll have to re-register and they would take a business day.
-My electricity could go out and I don’t have the registration page printed. That grid is so unreliable these days. (I used this one before so it may be too soon to use it again – and not a cloud on the doppler radar.)
-Gram could kick the bucket today. No, that’s too sinister even for me. A lightning bolt may fry me [even without a cloud in the sky]…Revised idea: Maybe she just gets sick enough I have to take care of her today. That’s better.
8:30AM – Settled on the Fluffy excuse. Sally is a dog lover. She even has a personalized mouse pad with her doggies on it.
9:00 AM – Made the call to Sally. As expected she was SO concerned. Mental note: I need to get a few more imaginary dogs because they get all sorts of problems and I don’t even have to pretend I have a sore throat, cough in the voice mail or anything.
3:00 PM – Made the call about Fluffy. I should be an actor…seriously. I can see my name in lights at the Academy Awards. She said not to worry about the drug test; She’ll re-register me. Awesome. HOME FREE Now!
It’s a good thing I work remote because I haven’t gotten anything done in two days. My boss thinks he’ll get productivity by drug testing but what I see is no work is getting done because of the drug Test. I could run this company better, but whatever Dude.
5:00PM – Received my new drug registration from Sally. This is what it says:
“Hey Scott, Soooo sorry to hear about Fluffy. I re-registered your drug test. Print the attached. You sounded so upset about not being able to take the drug test I found a lab with Saturday hours. I’m sure you wouldn’t want anyone to think you were delaying the test on purpose just because of your bad luck. Hope you will feel better soon. Talk to you on Monday – Sally”
Reader, If you have a good excuse for Scott to get out of Saturday, please put it in comments.